On inner tension and the space we build together

Remembering the power of taking responsibility for myself

Author

Kathrin Kroenig
August 30, 2024

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It’s rarely the facts that make conflict unresolveable,
it’s the inner tension we feel…
those emotions that tell us
that we should protect ourselves.

If we felt whole and in balance, we’d be able to sort things out very quickly.
For the good of everyone involved.

For the past few months I’ve been helping a team find their way back to mutual respect and constructive collaboration. The team has been together for a very long time and the history is immense.

Instead of untangling all those intertwined stories from the past, we’ve been purely focusing on the space we are aiming to create together.
What should it feel like?
Because that’s easy to agree on: Everyone wants a friendly, light, relaxed atmosphere.

The team development process started with some personal development: What happens when I take responsibility for my own tension and I first work on letting it go instead of focusing on the other?

The work with this group has made me remember the immense power each of us has in any situation: If we take responsibility for ourselves, we are able to contribute to creating a safer space for all of us to be in… making it easy to resolve the conflict or possibly just making it disappear altogether.

Relevant research

A group of researchers including famous emotion scientist Paul Ekman1 found that it’s possible to train the ability to take care of my own state and meet others involved in conflict with more compassion: They designed a 42-hour long course covering meditation and emotion regulation training and conducted it’s effects on 82 female school teachers. The results showed that the training reduced rumination, depression and anxiety, it increased positive affect and mindfulness. The training group was better able to recognize emotions in others and felt more compassion.

So why don’t we train harder? In fact, why don’t many of us not train at all? 

Questions to ask yourself

  • In a conflict, how easy is it for you to focus on yourself rather than the other?

  • What would change if you took responsibility for creating a safe space for both of you?

Something to read

My favorite model to show how this ‘safe space’ is created by both of us is called ‘The Pool of Shared Meaning’ and it comes from a book called Crucial conversations written by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler.

1  Kemeney, M. E., Foltz, C., Cavanagh, J. F., Cullen, M., Giese-Davis, J., Jennings, P., . . . Ekman, P. (2012). Contemplative emotion training reduces negative emotional behavior and promotes prosocial responses. Emotion, 12(2), 338-350. doi:10.1037/a0026118